{"id":174,"date":"2019-04-05T20:51:01","date_gmt":"2019-04-05T19:51:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nether-netherland.com\/?p=174"},"modified":"2019-09-05T10:00:25","modified_gmt":"2019-09-05T09:00:25","slug":"health","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nether-netherland.com\/wordpress\/2019\/04\/05\/health\/","title":{"rendered":"Health!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Picture the scene: It\u2019s Wednesday,\nand I\u2019m at work. I\u2019m not ill, but I\u2019m not really feeling lekker <\/em>as the saying goes here. I\u2019ve got a bit of the sniffles, it\u2019s\nApril, and therefore, I am utterly confused and disoriented. I\u2019m working with a\nsmall group of children, and their task is to make a terrible medicine for\nGrandma. We\u2019ve been listening to the George\u2019s Marvellous Medicine audiobook you\nsee; (I\u2019m not \u2018the weird English woman\nwho teaches us how to kill Grandma\u2019<\/em>) and the students are excited because\nthey are allowed to put anything they\nwant <\/em>into Grandma\u2019s new medicine in order to get her to pop her literal (here\nin the Netherlands) clogs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Anything?\u2019 <\/em>This boy looks too smug.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Almost anything,\u2019 I reply, trying\nto disperse his clearly filthy thoughts. \u2018Nothing\u2026 weird\u2019. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whilst clearly defeating the\npurpose of making a disgusting medicine, I\u2019ve heard the conversations between\nthese students and know that there really is no length they will not cross to\nensure they make each other double over with laughter at the concoctions they\ncan come up with. I mean, the worst line George seems to cross is nail polish\nand flea powder, but this story was brought out in 1981, and I\u2019m sure the\nstandards of \u2018disgust\u2019 were much less vile back then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The boy, it seems, understands what\nI mean. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Will he bother to follow my\ninstruction? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

No he will not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you remember in the old days,\nwhen we used to have to get a dictionary and physically search for a word until\nwe found it, on page 93 underneath a crude phallic scribbling? That\u2019s not a\nthing anymore. Google Translate is the thing nowadays. It\u2019s not too handy when\nyou want to translate whole sentences or chunks of text, but for the odd word,\nit\u2019s usually <\/em>not too bad. Naturally,\nI try to coax my students to use a good old \u2018wordbook\u2019 as the Dutch so\naccurately named their dictionary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018No, Miss, I\u2019m going to use Google\nTranslate\u2019. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wow. I feel so in charge right now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everybody settles down to their\ntask. They like it because they are allowed to be disgusting. I always find\nthat funny about humans. We love to be a bit weird if we\u2019re told it\u2019s alright. Everybody\nis quiet. I retreat back to my laptop silently and stealthily. There\u2019s no one\nquite quick to catch you out as a high school student; they smell your tiny\ndroplets of fear before you\u2019re even aware you\u2019ve produced any and then pounce\nwith questions that they know the answer to but are far too lazy to think about\nthemselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is great. They\u2019ve been\nrelatively quiet for about 6 minutes. I tap away happily at my laptop. One\nchild makes a cat noise on one side of the room. This is normal behaviour and\ndoesn\u2019t even warrant the need for my attention. I\u2019m basking in the peace. As\nmany teachers know, this is the unattainable\u2026 and slightly too good to be true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever used the voice\nsoftware in Google Translate? The voice that pronounces each carefully typed in\nword with that robotic accuracy; once at normal speaking pace, and for a second\ntime, should you click it once more, at\u2026 a\u2026 slower\u2026 dumber\u2026 pace\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Je bent een piemel\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Je…bent…een…piemel\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My head snaps upwards so fast that\nI almost give myself whiplash. No one looks out of place. They\u2019re all\nsquirreling away as they were a minute ago and my brain wasn\u2019t fast enough to\ndecipher which side it came from. The robotic Dutch voice wasn\u2019t much of a\ngiveaway. I\u2019m utterly confused. Usually the class would have erupted, but they\u2019re\nplaying me. Someone noticed me stealthy backing away\u2026 I have failed! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I let it go. In fact, it makes me\ntitter a little bit. Je bent een piemel\nis kinda funny. I mean it\u2019s completely inappropriate, and I should not\nbe laughing of course, but my sense of humour is a little off to the weird side\nanyway, so I\u2019m sorry for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You are a penis\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now the robotic English woman has\npiped up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You\u2026are\u2026a\u2026penis\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I decide to not cripple myself\ncompletely, and lift my head in exhaustion. I knew Google Translate was a bad\nidea. The sniggering has begun. I let the students know with my eyes that\nalthough this is indeed a very funny prank that they are playing, they should\nnot continue this further. You know the look I mean. We get back to work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can feel something in the back of\nmy nose. Urgh, it\u2019s a sneeze brewing. Can\nyou not? <\/em>I think to myself. My sneezes come in multiples, and although\nrelatively quiet from holding them in as much as possible, I can\u2019t tell you I\u2019m\na fan of the feeling they give me. I look up at the harsh white light above me.\nLooking at lights is my Life Pro Tip for getting those stubborn sneezes out,\nalthough I think everybody already knows this information. It\u2019s working. I feel\nthe sneeze shifting from the top of my nose into the middle and further. It\u2019s\ncoming. It\u2019s almost there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Achoo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a nice subtle noise, that\nbarely breaks the silence. We carry on with our work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Health!\u2019 The robotic English woman blesses my sneeze with the worst translation I\u2019ve ever heard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Hea…lth!\u2019 She repeats, slowly, just in case I missed her the first time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

A boy is looking up at me from behind his iPad. I nod my thanks, and inform him that in England, we say \u2018Bless you\u2019, rather than the \u2018gezondheid\u2019 that just got butchered through the power and of Google Translate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s the thought that counts\nthough. At least he didn\u2019t call me a penis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

d<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Picture the scene: It\u2019s Wednesday, and I\u2019m at work. I\u2019m not ill, but I\u2019m not really feeling lekker as the saying goes here. I\u2019ve got a bit of the sniffles, it\u2019s April, and therefore, I…<\/p>\n

Read More<\/a><\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":175,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5,16],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-174","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-live-abroad","8":"category-the-every-day","9":"entry","10":"odd"},"yoast_head":"\nHealth! - nether-netherland<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nether-netherland.com\/wordpress\/2019\/04\/05\/health\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Health! - nether-netherland\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Picture the scene: It\u2019s Wednesday, and I\u2019m at work. 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