{"id":279,"date":"2019-09-04T09:38:09","date_gmt":"2019-09-04T08:38:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nether-netherland.com\/?p=279"},"modified":"2019-09-04T09:38:09","modified_gmt":"2019-09-04T08:38:09","slug":"the-dreaded-dentist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nether-netherland.com\/wordpress\/2019\/09\/04\/the-dreaded-dentist\/","title":{"rendered":"The dreaded dentist"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

No, this isn\u2019t David Walliams\u2019 unearthed first draft of Demon Dentist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

I went to the dentist this week for the first time since I\nlanded in the Netherlands. I\u2019ve lived here a year and a half, by the way. But\nwait, there\u2019s more. I hadn\u2019t visited my own English dentist for an entire year\nbefore that. I took so long to get my pegs looked at that he was retired six\nmonths before I even knew about it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyhoo, I went to the dentist for the first time in the\nNetherlands, and I\u2019m not going to bother lying to you, I was nervous as hell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone who tells you that they aren\u2019t nervous about visiting\nthe dentist is a flat out liar. Ok, perhaps they\u2019re not<\/em> nervous, but at least let me have this: no one enjoys <\/em>going to the dentist. Who invites <\/em>another human being to look deep\ninto their cavities (ok, I\u2019ll try and be more careful as I write this) with a\ntiny mirror and an incentive to find anything wrong with your mouth hygiene? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is something slightly weird about the whole affair.\nFor one, the preparation is insane, and I know you\u2019re all like me. My teeth are\nso clean before I leave for the dentist, they literally squeak. My breath reeks\nof what can only be described as a chemical factory meltdown with all the\nListerine I swig back. My gums bleed in horror as I misjudge the force with\nwhich one is supposed to floss.  I don\u2019t\nbrush as intensely, floss as vigorously or gargle as loudly for anyone else\n(which is a shame for my boyfriend I guess). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I\u2019m of average nervousness to begin with, and then we hit\nthe: \u2018I don\u2019t really know the terminology surrounding teeth actually\u2019, part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the age old conundrum that comes with living in a\nforeign country. Everything must be learnt in that language. All the\nhairdresser\u2019s appointments and doctor\u2019s appointments now come with that added\nbit of flare; who knows if I just asked my hairdresser to give me a fringe, an\nundercut or just told them to go right ahead and shave it all off? I guess we\u2019ll\nhave to wait and see. Or, more scarily, I wonder if I just correctly told the\ndoctor about my symptoms without mixing them up with something entirely\ndifferent and sounding like a hypochondriac or even worse, completely nonchalant\nabout something that could be life threatening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You realise that with language, there are whole microcosms of\nterms and words, and each new experience requires a new set. It\u2019s rough\nsometimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, teeth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know that your teeth are known as \u2018tanden\u2019, which is a fab\nstart. A hole is a \u2018gat\u2019, but are they going to call a cavity a hole? What\nelse? Oh, your gums are now known as \u2018tandenvlees\u2019, literally, \u2018teeth flesh\u2019,\nand braces are \u2018beugels\u2019. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s it. That\u2019s the extent of my knowledge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I tell my boyfriend of the looming predicament.  He\u2019s straight to work, throwing a range of\neasy to digest sentences my way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Goede middag mevrouw\u2019\u2026 I mean I know that one. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He continues, and actually, it\u2019s simpler than I had\nimagined. \u2018Have you any complaints?\u2019 I respond with no and he continues. \u2018We\nmust make photos of your teeth.\u2019. This is all easy stuff. I can do it I reckon!\nI finish the mini lesson as quickly as that, waving him away with thoughts of, \u2018it\u2019ll\nbe fine\u2019. And anyway, he\u2019s there with me, so nothing can go wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The day of our appointment is hot, stifling even. We are\nalmost late as we leave two minutes off schedule and fail to find a parking\nspot immediately. This doesn\u2019t bode well for my nerves as we are getting\nirritated and it stresses me out no end. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You\u2019ll have to jump out and tell the receptionist we are\ngoing to be late!\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A conversation with the receptionist was not in our mini\nlesson, therefore, it absolutely cannot happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018But I don\u2019t know where the dentist even is!\u2019 I feebly\nexclaim. It\u2019s true, but also I don\u2019t want\n<\/em>to chat with the receptionist. The horror! My chemically cleaned mouth is\nstarting to sweat it\u2019s that frightening a thought. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As if by magic, we find a parking spot. Thank Christ. We\nhead off, still just about on time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We enter the dentist and my boyfriend speaks to the\nreceptionist (my hero). Everything is fine and our appointments will be on time <\/em>which, let me tell you, never\nhappened in England. Punctuality is a strong trait of (most of) the Dutch, and\nI like it a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We sit, and I fill in a questionnaire, because I am brand\nnew \u2013 to the Netherlands, their practices, and of course, their dentists. I\npanic some more at the questions, which are completely routine, but the kind\nthat make you think: it is paramount that I answer these completely correctly,\notherwise, the dentist might not know that I once suffered a panic attack (not\neven at the dentist) and I could panic and pass out \u2013 possibly even DIE at any\ngiven moment should he twinge a nerve in my gum, for example.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are called in together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The dentist isn\u2019t even Dutch. He\u2019s Portuguese! I feel both a\nwave of fear and excitement, which is not abnormal for my mental state. My fear\ncomes from the fact that not only do I maybe not know what the dentist will say\nto me anyway, but like\u2026 this guy has an accent too. I am no good with southern Dutch accents<\/em>, let alone Portuguese Dutch accents! <\/em> My excitement comes from something much more\nsimple: I am not the only expat in the room!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Boyfriend goes first and gets the all-clear. Topper. And\nfrom what I hear from the dentist, I am going to be able to answer his\nquestions. Maybe all of them!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My turn. Yes, yes, all good here, but they need to \u2018make\nsome photographs\u2019 as my boyfriend had earlier predicted in our mini lesson.\nThat comes from my distinct lack of dental history because it didn\u2019t cross my\nmind that I would need to bring my own x-rayed mouth abroad with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The photographs are made, and my massive gob lights up the\ncomputer screen. Wow, I think. My teeth look like everyone else\u2019s. I have no\nidea why I thought they might not, but there\u2019s something about being faced (literally)\nwith your very own internal images that makes us all go, wow, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am so in awe at the shape and size of my own mouth and\nteeth, that I kind of zone out. He\u2019s talking about my teeth having no holes in\nthem and I feel like a proud mum. I mean, my main diet used to consist mostly\nof sugar for God\u2019s sake. He continues, and he\u2019s repeating a word that I don\u2019t\nquite recognise. He\u2019s pointing at my wisdom teeth though, which I have since\nlearnt are \u2018verstandskiezen\u2019 which quite frankly, is a mental word when you\u2019re\nnot expecting it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I look at the wisdoms that call all four corners of my mouth\nhome. They\u2019ve never given me much bother FYI. They\u2019re all still under the gum\ntoo, and as I look at the x-ray I notice that they\u2019re so lazy, they\u2019re lying\nflat in the gum, nestled snugly against my molars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018This is a problem\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ah the wave of excitement is completely gone now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Dutch are very direct. Apparently so are the Portuguese.\nHe is not mincing his words. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018These must come out\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I said it before and I\u2019ll say it again. I don\u2019t have any\nbother from the lazy wisdom teeth. I looked at him, and I know he felt my fear\nbecause his next proclamation was \u2018oh not tomorrow!\u2019. I mean thank God?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018We just need to think about it. They are pushing on the\nother teeth and will make holes\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Job done, matey, I\u2019ve already thought about it and my\nanswer is byee\u2019. Of course instead of saying this I just nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018In a few months, maybe\u2019, he continues, sensing that this is\nnot the news I wanted to hear. If only I\u2019d not let him take the photos! My\nwisdom teeth would be able to lie there snugly forever! Now they must they be\nsurgically removed from my face in what I expect to be a bloody and harrowing\nexperience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We finish up and he ushers me out of the room, because I am\nnot the only patient he has to upset today. To think, I cleaned my mouth out so\nhard for him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am still reeling, and not fully decided on whether to just\nrepeat my failures and never visit the dentist again. Although, ever the\noptimist, I know that I can eat ice-cream for a week if it\u2019s done & that\nmight just make it all worthwhile\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

No, this isn\u2019t David Walliams\u2019 unearthed first draft of Demon Dentist. I went to the dentist this week for the first time since I landed in the Netherlands. I\u2019ve lived here a year and a…<\/p>\n

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